Double Decker

I was never fond of bus rides or buses in particular.

The thought of being in a single vehicle
with suspect pick pockets,
exhibitionists and suicide bombers
while stuck in a traffic along Edsa
are just too much for my paranoia.

Having seen a movie like "Speed" with
Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock as the
main cast that had most of the movie's
story revolve inside a bus that is running
on a time bomb helped to add more scare about bus rides.

Let's not forget "Battle Royal", you fall asleep,
and the next thing you know, you're
on an island where you have to kill all the
people in your class.

It's pathetic to actually admit such fear,
But i see them as a one way ride
that ends to somewhere not nice.
Especially when it is among the regular mode
of transportation back at home  in Manila.

Dare to try riding on a Novaliches killer bus
late at night around 2 in the morning and you'll
know how i feel.

I was only excited during school field trips,
having tons of snacks, express ways stop overs,
and a coleman jug filled with alcohol mixed orange juice.

A handful of trips to Batangas with Eric and Jr,
and a couple of 8 hour rides on a bus
when i had to settle in Baguio for a while back
in college were some of the longest trips i ever had to take.

I'd be asleep most of the ride instead of
letting my sick imagination play tricks on my head.

As much as i was disgusted with public
bus rides in the Philippines, were the dreams of getting on a
double decker in a foreign country.

I knew when i would get on one, i'd feel
like i'm in another hollywood movie or
sitcom but all you will see is nothing but
bright lights and good times.

I was right.

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The bus situation in Manila has just made
this experience one of the must do's in my existence.

I never realized it at first, but yeah, i had a big smile on my face
during the whole ride on my first time on a double decker. :)

breaking the silence.

I am on a stand still.
Seperated from reality.
In denial of what has hit me.

I am struggling with my words,
As i try to stop myself from breaking down all over again.

It all started with a few trips to cavite & bohol,
Bottles jugged down & cigarette rims puffed off in mayrics & balay.
An after clearance party somewhere along the kamuning area,

A funny blue tulip and a kitkat bar on a valentines day,
The tempura chips, the late night chill outs at a quadricentennial park.

And on a salinggawi concert, i fell in love with her.

She came when i thought there was no one else left for me.
Her door was open,
she welcomed me with a box of yellow cab pizza.

She is a great person.
Such a selfless individual with a good heart from what i have seen and felt.

A perfect, independent and truthful daughter,
A sweet, playful and thoughtful sister.

She was an innocent, simple and a very caring girlfriend.
How long could it take before i can find someone better?

These has been said and brought up a handful of times,
But it was a magical half a decade,
that made me see things what i thought could only happen in romantic movies and fairy tale stories.

Making it rain with thousands of roses on our second month together,
I will never forget when she spilled hot sauce over my eye.

The unbelievable resistance to survive a 2hour ride
on a thief filled, sweat dropping jeepney
along the smokey and grid locked streets of
espana to north avenue daily.

Double dates, paskuhans spent with her greatest friends.
Rappeling, pig out eating,
how i was weirdly fine for being a straight guy
and having shopping moments at forever 21 & other boutique shops with her.

Let's not forget the trying nights,
cramming for school works and silly video projects for
'takoyaki' and flair bartending.
Even those times when i try not to be late since she was always early.

An absolute bliss from watching hundreds of butterflies being freed,
To that lovely night while watching fireworks
spark up the sky while at a shuttle terminal
station somewhere in cubao going to novaliches.

Now suddenly i had to wake up the next day,
Thinking it was just another college puppy love story.

If only it was that simple.

Had i known that leaving on a jet plane would
make her feel that i am leaving us altogether.

"I am so sorry for making you feel that way."

How i just surrendered myself to her,
Living each day with the promise of love,
happiness and success that was just simply swept away.

It has happened.
We fell short.

It pains me to even remember the last moment when i was with her.

How i held her hand,
the last time i kissed her on her forehead,
How i tried not making her cry
when i had to say my temporary goodbye.

How i breathe deeply
as i felt myself trying to freeze time while watching her sleep in my arms.

It was my fault for loving her too much,
in such a way that it was as if no one else could compete.
Not even her.

I feel so guilty for feeling so hurt,
despite the feelings that i still have for her.

They say she was so lucky to have me as her guy,
even tagging me as the best someone could ever have.

But how could they even say that,
When it was her all along who made me the best.

This time, even love wasn't enough.



---I have nothing but utmost respect for her.
I wish her all the best. I really do.
It took some time for me to speak up,
As I didn't want any of my words to hurt someone in any way possible.
But i knew eventually that i would have to let it all go.
And this time, i'm finally breaking the silence.---

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Bad Birdie.

We had an uninvited visitor tonight.

Roomie went rushing.

Freaking out because of some bird inside our kitchen.

Meet Bad Bird.

We thought of capturing and domesticating it.

Train the thing with some bird tricks.

Bring it for an audition for the next Rio movie.

Or just simply selling it for not less than a hundred bucks.

We just left the bird at the kitchen for the whole night.

The next morning Bad Bird was gone.

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08-09-89

We literally lived our moments together in friendster.
Captured together in the most important events of our family life.
Uploaded almost every images of our insignifcant and
non sensical parodies and cosplays all over the web.

We were playmates since birth.
Included in a trio of innocent and promising toddlers
who would scribble doodles all over our house.
Weekends spent playing langit lupa, iced water and Pepsi 7-up.

Went through the toughest and roughest stages of adolesence.
First love, high school projects, zits and alcohol.

Japanese animes, Korean dramas, movie marathons,
Soulja boy dance steps, gloc 9's fastest raps,
girl and boy crushes, innovative and patay gutom foodtrip,
from being ganghsta to just plain stupid and corny.

Saw ourselves bleeding blue and green.
Surviving in college, suffocating neckties, deadly high heels.
Black Gold, black white,
We were cheering for the same team.

Job hunting. Star gazing.
Soul searching, tambay until morning.

We dreamed dreams as far as when we get to age 80,
thinking probably on where we could be.
Fairytale weddings, finding the perfect job,
Falling in love with the person who fits our long list of must haves.

We saw each other get through our struggles,
through family problems, identity crisis, heartbreaks,
and even through a chest deep flood.

I couldn't stop myself from calling her
Minutes before she had to walk down that aisle.

Hearing her voice filled with excitement and fear,
We had nothing to say except for tears flowing at each end of the phone line..

It was such a huge step in her life,
i could miss the event,
but not the moment.

If I had to buy a house in another place,
It has to be right next to hers.
Or right on top would be even better.

She's the best neighbor ever,
The best cousin, yet we're actually uncle and neice.
The best "kaservice" on a school bus,
the best look a like of aya from imago.

she is the bestfriend I never had to label as one.

-----------------------------------------
Happy birthday Lala!
I miss you soo much!
I hope to see you soon and baby jahzen! :)
Love yah!

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not another out of the country vacation.

The amazing architectures, endless sky scrapers.
The gigantic ferris wheel, the boat on top of a hotel.
Designer boutiques left and right.
Bright lights, the hottest party places.Exotic ladies, legal prostitution, a man made beach.

The value of money.
Lust for social significance.
The good life.

Unforgiving and impatient employers,
Atrocious scent from strangers as dark as the endless subways.
Canned meals 4days a week, chicken rice 3days a week.

Gadgets instead of the classic street games and old fashioned past times.
Bulky muscles and false eyelashes makes you beautiful.
Weekly crazy night outs, over priced cancer sticks and a bottle of vodka are your emotional outlets.

Go crazy over tfc, go insomniac tweeting and surfing fb.
Go out on a Sunday to see Manila in Singapore.

You could be Myanmar, Malay, Chinese, Japanese, even an Angmo, and they could not even tell the difference.
The world contained in a single place.
The lahs, the orredis, nehminds corrupting your system.

Cultural differences.

Even talk about the cold Christmases.
The non-pyro new year.
Birthday spent while bleaching the floor.
Hearts day without your heart.

They think you're earning gold,
But the truth is you're in a stand still and just getting old.

Living a life for someone else is quite heroic, brave, risky and could be potentially dangerous for your mental and emotional state of mind if you never read the instructions manual.

It takes a lot of guts and a pair of huge balls to get through every single day.
A ticket back to reality, a simple paper that says home is the only cheat code to solve the puzzle and put together the missing pieces.

A video call on skype, long distance messsages and phone calls,
Just doesn't feels like the real thing.

1 is equivalent to 33.

There was never an instructions manual for this,

You just left your heart somewhere else.

-i never thought i'd be one of them, but yeah, i am a filipino working overseas. An OFW. and this is not another out of the country vacation.

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Stars

Take me to a place where i feel comfort and secured.

"You brought me here."

He is the foundation of my being,
A figure of strength & a source of ease.

He guided me from my first step,
To my first ever lay up on a basketball rim.
I built my dreams and lived my fantasies on every amusing toys
& awesome lego blocks he bought for me.

He stayed with me when i thought my room was haunted,
Gave me a bucket of ice cream every after appointment from the dentist.
A lot of things we still wanted to do,
We haven't even reached half of our checklist.

He is part of the reason for my joy,
And part of the reason for my frustrations and tears.

No matter how hard i cry
And no matter how hard i try,
There is nothing made in this world that is possible
To bring him back.

He has set a standard for my life.
Made promises & left that sense of security
That covered all my flaws & any feeling
Of vulnerability.

He allowed us to live a life full of dreams,
And it really hit hard when i had to wake
Up from the reality
That he is actually just
Another part of my memory.

It would have been great,
Had he stayed on the ground.
He would have been so happy
to see all that was yet to come.

I love you, at least just give me this chance to say it to you again.

The stars in the sky will never be the same.

Happy father's day dad! Mom misses you, and ate even more.

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over a can of Carlsberg and a stick of Marlboro, that ended with a thousand peso taxi ride. 05-01-12

Does Distance really matter?

I always ignored the thought
of all these moments that
we're not spending together would really
make a huge difference.

I could be easily right at her doorstep at
12 midnight, holding a boquet of roses
with a box of yellow cab pizza
ready to celebrate. Just like what we had
for a midnight snack on the eve of
her 17th birthday.

Maybe we could have had a fancy dinner at
a fine dining restaurant in Greenbelt or Highstreet
with all those expensive dishes with a 'generous'
serving of a single teaspoon from
appetizers down to desserts.

But for sure we would have just settled
for a simple movie date, preferably watching The Avengers
while hoping to witness again some fanatic weirdo pump up his fists
in the air with a screaming "YES!" after the credits just a few seats away from us.

With occassions like this,
your deepest sentiments surfaces.
And you're scared to deny it
to keep yourself from being numb
from what you really feel.

I miss her face, her eyes,
and the way she runs like a duck.
I always miss her cat like lips,
her chipped pedicures on her toe nails
and her mom's home made yema.

I miss watching her sleep on my shoulder
with her mouth wide open.
I miss her little brother, Massi,
and how we spend the whole day
playing y8 games and left 4 dead.

I miss our movie dates at Trinoma and Gateway,
also her insatiable and very unique
home made adobong hotdog.
I miss how we could trust each other with our deepest secrets.
and I miss how i see the stars in her eyes.

I miss us.

We have come a long way,
from ups and downs,
from the 1st month to the 48th.
from Manila to Singapore.

And yet, I still get the jitters
whenever the 1st day of the month approaches.
I admit to still procrastinate on what surprise
to show off on every occassion possible.
I still get my hands sweaty when I want
to reach for her hand.

And it's true that all these words that I just blabbered
all over this post is because I'm trying so hard
to find the right words to say just to complete her day.

Distance does makes a difference.
It gives that illusion of losing what you have,
Making things difficult and complicated,
And yet, making you miss those things more,
before it's too late to miss them forever.

I know what I have. And I'm lucky and content with what we have.

One thousand four hundred sixty days,
I don't mind adding up more on that.

Happy 4th year anniversary Tammy!
See you soon! I love you!